found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
