I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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