just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it was like eating out sand paper
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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