I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
