my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
