My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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