I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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