I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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