if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sext me about skeletons
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
