plz talk dirty to me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
