Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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