Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
