Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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