Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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