Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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