I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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