My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
