I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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