you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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