Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize