i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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