Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
