If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
