True but thats because hes a fetus.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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