I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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