All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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