I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
How does it feel to date your dad?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
