tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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