I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
