am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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