I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
