How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize