Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
