My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
third nipple confirmed
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
