I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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