put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
