then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
