That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
