Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
