Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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