2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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