you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
