'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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