No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
