somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I did not marry a roomba.
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