chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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