I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
