I skipped work to stalk him.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
