dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
