Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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