Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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