Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
