I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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