Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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