Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
