Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
