I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
